Eternal Sadness.

It's been real bummy lately.

I'm crying for no reason.

And even when there seems to be a reason,

it seems trivial 

because,

at the root of it,

there is actually no reason at all.

Huggity Hug Hug.

I've been having a bummy time lately with feelings of not living up to my potential and blah blah blah, and how my laziness and fear of change keeps me from doing anything about it. I also feel that since graduating, I've become socially dumber, seeing as how I don't really talk to people throughout the 9 hour workday. Oftentimes, I go straight home and I sit in more silence. Day after day, week after week, I started feeling more and more isolated from everyone. I told my younger sister Illia this in an email. (She's currently serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.)

I wrote:

Apparently, one of the ingredients to happiness or fulfillment or whatever is 11 positive touches a day. Some days, I don't even get one. I know Heavenly Father is there and that Christ understands what I've been through, but I don't like this feeling at all. It was kind of like in June when I was feeling like extra sad because Po Po passed away. I cried in front of my friend, but she patted my back and then she left for three days. I was in my apartment alone, grieving alone. And now I'm just feeling alone, though my friends are all around me. Part of me wants to move away and part of me wants to stay because it's comfortable here. But I know I won't progress anymore.  

I got a letter from Illia today. It was three pages long, front and back. Along the margins, every point or thought she had, she numbered them up to 10.

I thought she was just super organized or something.

At the end of the letter, though, she wrote:

So, I'm sure you noticed all the numbers in dis letter. You said that one of the ingredients to happiness is 11 positive touches a day. So I've provided you with 10 for today. Now go and look for that 11th positive touch.

And even thought I got that number not necessarily right (family therapist Virginia Satir says, “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.”), the fact that Illia did that means so much to me. She did something for me and she's not even a phone call away.

I'm sorry I'm being selfish and all "Woe is me!" on you. That's the thing. I'm surrounded by people who care about me, but...I don't know. I don't know what I am feeling. I'm still processing feelings. I'm sorry.

(I took a personality test yesterday and it all boiled down to me being the ultimate contradiction. I don't trust people, but I am loyal to those who've gained my trust, even through the point where the relationship is destructive. I value security, but I am very insecure. etc. etc. It also said that it takes me a while to pinpoint my emotions...so...give me time ha.)

All I know is that sadness and loneliness runs rampant these days. But if we can at least make people feel ok in the moment with just a hug, why don't we do just that?

*insert conclusion that ties thoughts all together here.*

Hugs and One Direction will make things better, I feel. 

 

UPDATE—Oct 12

Tender mercies, man. God hears and answers our prayers. He is there to comfort us. I'm silly to have been mopey. Today in Church, I had friends skip their ward to come listen to my lesson in Relief Society. One great friend linked arms with me randomly during Sunday School, and it was as if God was saying, "Hey, you've got good people here who care." And I fell asleep to the sound of good friends singing along to "Muppet Treasure Island." Count your blessings, Eden.

This.

mhmm.

i've nothing to say.

Chat adventures.

Sometimes a chat conversation at work gets...dramatic.

Space Adventure with Wes and Eden

Wes: r u excited about your space adventure tomorrow?

Eden: i am very excited!!!!!
           are you excited to pew pew aliens and enemy spacecraft?

W: yah
      also nervous
      what if i fail at my job?
      and the mission explodes...
      *console me*

E: we picked you because you are a capable, strong man.
     you scored the highest at the academy and we wouldn't allow anyone but the best

W: but i also scored highest in eccentricity and insecurity
      the scores don't lie eden
      ill never be normal/confident enough to lead a mission
      no matter how wise and mysterious of a mentor you are
      *sob*

E:  that only means you're teachable, young one
      as we accomplish smaller missions, your confidence will grow
      and in several years, you will be the captain of your own space crew
      and you find a boy at the academy who was just like you and you will make him a man like i will make you

Joy of Heaven.

In response to a month of sadness, my dad wrote:

[ . . . ] One thing that I want you to know, and that is, we must not underestimate the joy of heaven. Consider 3rd Nephi. In Chapter 10, upon the annihilation of the wicked Nephites, Christ was lamenting their destruction and loss. Indeed, great was His loss, as He had to send so many of them to their eternal damnation. And yet, atmost 3 days later, in Chapter 17:20, after seeing the righteousness of the survivors, and praying to the Father, He told the righteous Nephites, that His joy was full. How is that possible? The destruction of so many souls that He loved and died for happened so recently. How can He be joyful, not to mention, fully joyful, again just a few chapters later?

The answer, Eden, I think is that hell, with all its fury and sadness, is infinitely small compared to heaven. Hell has no power to deprive Heaven of its Joy!

Den, though hell is a sad place, and we’re experiencing some of it, let not your heart be set on it sadness. Let your heart instead be set on the Joy of Heaven! [ . . . ]

This is a gospel of truth with a plan of happiness. Christ lives, He loves us and He will never leave us alone.

Alone.

Lately, your nights end like this. All by yourself in an empty apartment, with only your sobbing to keep you company. Sadness is amplified when you're alone. And the recent air of death around you seemed to have pushed the closest people away from you. Or maybe they were never there for you anyway, and you're just now noticing it.

I've seen you fill your home with new friends and interactions in hopes that someone will notice you and catch you, in hopes of keeping your mind off of the night. But when the sun is down, you're falling onto your pillow, drowning in salty waters.

Heavenly.

I hope there are ton of mahjong tables for you up in heaven. Save a match for me, Po Po.

And I hope heaven is, well, Heavenly.

 

It's been a while, and it's been introspective.

When I first found out that she left the church, my roommate shared a scripture with me: Alma 31:31-35. The last verse brought us to tears.

35 Behold, O Lord, their souls are precious, and many of them are our brethren; therefore, give unto us, O Lord, power and wisdom that we may bring these, our brethren, again unto thee.

Her soul is precious, but I haven't the power nor wisdom. I offered a compromise because I didn't want to lose a relationship with her and her children. "I'll respect your beliefs if you respect mine." But since then, I've needed to always be on the defensive. With constant talk coming from her, my mind started getting muddled—my sword is small, but my faith is greater than my doubts.

Everytime I was alone with her, she attacked my beliefs. And after she attacked, she came to me with an olive branch to lure me back in and give me the feeling of "Everything's good between us" or "I respect your point of view." This abuse was abused. Each attack, she would always reach out to me after. These gave me hope that she wouldn't attack again, though it made me more cautious.

But when it turned out she was furious I turned to our parents for support and told me to "Leave my parents out of my life," I began to see the patterns. And sure enough, her olive branch came. And I decided not to take it this time.

An Interview with Alonzo Gaskill.

Let me introduce you all to one of my favorite professors at BYU: Professor Gaskill. I've never had a more energetic, more engaging professor in my college career. His world religions class can be irreverent at times, with him cracking jokes about his mother-in-law or about times he's embarrassed himself, but he is very intelligent and knows a great deal theologically. In fact, he's been called Hugh Nibley on amphetamines...or was it methamphetamines? Either way, even though class can be rowdy, you can tell he holds the truth, found in many religions, in the highest esteem.

I recently interviewed Professor Gaskill on his newly published book The Lost Teachings of Jesus on the Sacred Place of Women.

Photo from Amazon, where you can also purchase the book.

It seems to me almost like destiny the way Prof. Gaskill came across these scrolls. He was just hanging out at a used bookstore and found some Russian guy's journal. It recounted his trip to Tibet and discovery of scrolls at a Buddhist monastery. These scrolls had some of Christ's teachings and it contained sermons that aren't included in our New Testament today. One of these sermons was on women and was, as Prof. Gaskill said, "the only part that really drew me in—enough to write a book on it, anyway."

I Wanna Get Better.

I didn't know I was lonely till I saw your face.
I didn't know I was broken till I wanted to change.

I wanna get better.

Time to run.

I had this whole thing written about how this was the year I was going to hit the ground running and how I was going to figure out my life and everything. I quickly erased it because, let's be honest, I have no idea what I am doing.

I hope I can figure things out soon.