June 22, 2014

It's been a while, and it's been introspective.

When I first found out that she left the church, my roommate shared a scripture with me: Alma 31:31-35. The last verse brought us to tears.
35 Behold, O Lord, their souls are precious, and many of them are our brethren; therefore, give unto us, O Lord, power and wisdom that we may bring these, our brethren, again unto thee.
Her soul is precious, but I haven't the power nor wisdom. I offered a compromise because I didn't want to lose a relationship with her and her children. "I'll respect your beliefs if you respect mine." But since then, I've needed to always be on the defensive. With constant talk coming from her, my mind started getting muddled—my sword is small, but my faith is greater than my doubts.

Everytime I was alone with her, she attacked my beliefs. And after she attacked, she came to me with an olive branch to lure me back in and give me the feeling of "Everything's good between us" or "I respect your point of view." This abuse was abused. Each attack, she would always reach out to me after. These gave me hope that she wouldn't attack again, though it made me more cautious.

But when it turned out she was furious I turned to our parents for support and told me to "Leave my parents out of my life," I began to see the patterns. And sure enough, her olive branch came. And I decided not to take it this time.

I thought about writing her one last email to explain why. I did not finish the letter nor did I send it, but it ended with this sentence, and that was what started all the sadness this week:
Until I feel like you are wanting a relationship with me because you respect me as a person with ideas I have personally come to believe, until I feel like you don’t have an ulterior motive to tear me away from the God I love, I no longer consider you
I was writing this stream of consciousness and when I stopped the sentence, afraid of how I would end it, I broke down, sobbing uncontrollably. Apparently this was what I was feeling all along?

I feel like I shouldn't cut of all ties. I feel like Cain saying, "Am I my sister's keeper?" And I feel alone with this burden. I know my parents also feel this way, but I am here, within the vicinity, and I have chosen to do nothing. Will I be accountable?

I feel alone in this.

I'm not publicizing this post as much as others, so if you read this, your insights are welcome. Please, anything.

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