April 19, 2013

The silence.

My best friends are the best out of those I have made in my life. They understand my quietness not (solely) as introverted awkwardness (because let's admit it, I am sometimes awkward when I converse), but as just thinking time for me, as time for me to just soak in what is going on around me and to just be with whoever I am with. Other people, even you, may misunderstand this quietness as a barrier between myself and the world, as extreme introverted-ness, or an unwillingness to get to know you. One of my high school Spanish teachers once described me as "nice, but not friendly." I am sorry if I come across to you that way. I promise, I am friendly once you get to know me (and that was high school...wasn't that a weird time for everyone?). And I can't really explain why I am so quiet. I did take a personality test for my class this semester and it said I am an ISFJ, which, I guess, kind of provides an answer to the why. Upon reading more about what psychology had to say about my personality, I came across a segment in the Wikipedia article saying that my "reluctance to open up to strangers can lead others to misread them [ISFJs] as standoffish." I apologize if I ever come off as standoffish. This is not me. So, as my remedy to any misconceptions you may have of me, I decided to periodically post about my thoughts and emotions as a way for you to get to know me without me having to really talk about my thoughts and emotions.

I have always preferred writing to talking about my emotions.

So right now, I am feeling very anxious. The same best friends are leaving for their home, for their internships abroad or for their mission. I am very happy for them, don't get me wrong, and I am excited for this summer. But I am also scared of change. And although I have done many things by myself--I love the quiet of my room, of my apartment, of my world--there are moments when I am alone where I feel troubled and suffocated by the silence. And I am going to be alone soon.

But this will be good for me. And it'll only be for a little while in the grand scheme of things. That's what I keep saying to myself. That's what everyone keeps saying. I just need to stay focused on the good that will come from this and not let my mind go to a dark place. I have a new calling in church, I have neat classes that will keep me busy, I (may) have a job, I have more time to read books and take up new hobbies. I have you. I have future me. I have God.

Dear friends and readers, my closest of friends are leaving so please be patient with me if I seem even more overwhelmingly quiet in a couple weeks.  But I will come out to play soon.

(I know what you're thinking, and no, I did not just type "silence" into YouTube. I saw Avalanche City a couple years ago--or was it last summer?--when they opened for Eric Hutchinson. And this song has always stuck with me. It sounded better live, but this is good too.)

I hope you all have a best day.


  1. Eden! I understand your introvertedness! It's a huge part of who I am as well! I used to think that introverted was just another word for "awkward kid" but I read this book, "Quiet; the Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking" by Susan Cain over this winter, and and I felt like it taught me more about myself than I had been able to figure out on my own in 21 years of life. Some of her stories felt so close to my life as an interoverted kid/teenager/adult. It was like there was finally someone out there who wasn't judging me for being "Quiet", but inviting me to just be me. Anyway, that's enough about my love affair with a psychology book. You should read it and then we can talk about how we like not talking sometimes :) ha.

    1. Carrie! I was just about to link you to a TED talk but then when I pulled it up, I realized then that it was given by Susan Cain! Funny how we both were affected by her haha! I'll definitely have to read her book. I really liked what she had to say about the importance of both extroverts AND introverts and how the world doesn't emphasize the power we introverts carry in our minds. Yes yes, I will have to read the book!