March 27, 2013


The fluorescent lights flickered above me as I laid sprawled on the floor. My chest was rising, falling, gasping for air as I thought to myself, My innards are about to rip...I can't go on.

I shut my eyes for a second and I felt my breathing slowly return to normal. An odd rendition of that one "Harlem Shake" song was playing in the background. I was feeling lightheaded and the music began to fade. Was it the end of the song? Or am I losing consciousness?

Suddenly, a voice.

"Alright, if it hurts to go on, go to your happy place."

My happy place? My mind immediately began to trace an image of...of...of the most delicious chocolate cake I have ever seen. I began to taste the gooeyness of the chocolate chip cookies, fresh out the oven. Betty Crocker appeared in my kitchen and handed me a spatula and a bowl of brownie mix. Her eyes twinkled and spoke to me, saying, "Here, eat."

I closed my eyes...the corners of my mouth twitched into a smile. The chocolate was numbing my pain.

"Eden! Did you really just fall asleep?" My eyes flipped open, I lifted my head and looked to the left. My sister, legs propped up on an exercise ball and in a shaky V-position, was staring in disbelief.

"Hold for one more set, ladies!" The voice at the front of the room enveloped the "Harlem Shake."

"3, 2, 1 and alright! You're done!" Sighs of relief filled the room and finally, the Wednesday morning abs class was over. I closed my eyes again.

Betty Crocker reappeared.

Let's give a round of applause for my first three guest bloggers, Nicolle, Sam and Michelle. Absolutely brilliant. They made this past month incredible with their words. (More guests coming in the near future!)

And now the reason for this blog: my life. I thought school was my biggest obstacle in this past month with the most time-consuming midterm project of my life (honestly...we ended it with an all-nighter that taught me Red Bull causes me to stutter...).

I'm the one in the back, slouched over my laptop, Nalia's on the couch,
Amber's on the floor and Zhanna's documenting our misery.
Then something hit me full force at the start of last week. I'm not going to go into detail, as it is quite personal, but I have never felt so much in one evening. At the end of the week, I wasn't feeling anything. I hit a numbness. But it was okay. It was my mind's own defense mechanism, which was well needed.

Sunday came around and the wall I built to keep my emotions out crumbled down. Thank you to my Relief Society president for helping me pick up the pieces. Thank you to whoever wrote that lovely note and left it at my apartment. Thank you to my home teachers for their blessing and support. Thank you, dear friends, roommates, for the cupcakes, for the hugs, for listening, for loving. In the meantime, my mental wall is back up.

I also want to thank my Camille and my Nicolle for their understanding, comfort and willingness to help me through this. Honestly, words cannot illustrate the immense love I feel for them. I am so blessed to have them in my life. That night, my Camille cradled me for I think more than an hour, consoled me, and I discovered comfort in listening to her heart beat. My Nicolle held me, gave me little kisses on my fingertips, and I felt so incredibly loved. I have trouble letting myself just cry, but that night, I cried almost freely. We read scriptures and found solace in the words of prophets of old, in the words of God. I am so grateful to be surrounded by those with eternal perspectives.

Here's a song for you all today. It's been in my sidebar for a while, but I decided to spotlight it today. To be honest, I didn't like it at first, but the 80s feel kept me coming back. And now I love it.

Also, listen to this recording.

Have a beautiful day, my friends. God is good.


  1. Your blog posts are perfect for my 10 minute breaks at allens. Thanks Eden. I look up to you.

  2. Oh Eden. I love you so much and I am so lucky to have you as my friend. I am here for you always my friend.

    1. Thank you for being my friend, Nicolle. I love you always.