Huggity Hug Hug.

I've been having a bummy time lately with feelings of not living up to my potential and blah blah blah, and how my laziness and fear of change keeps me from doing anything about it. I also feel that since graduating, I've become socially dumber, seeing as how I don't really talk to people throughout the 9 hour workday. Oftentimes, I go straight home and I sit in more silence. Day after day, week after week, I started feeling more and more isolated from everyone. I told my younger sister Illia this in an email. (She's currently serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.)

I wrote:

Apparently, one of the ingredients to happiness or fulfillment or whatever is 11 positive touches a day. Some days, I don't even get one. I know Heavenly Father is there and that Christ understands what I've been through, but I don't like this feeling at all. It was kind of like in June when I was feeling like extra sad because Po Po passed away. I cried in front of my friend, but she patted my back and then she left for three days. I was in my apartment alone, grieving alone. And now I'm just feeling alone, though my friends are all around me. Part of me wants to move away and part of me wants to stay because it's comfortable here. But I know I won't progress anymore.  

I got a letter from Illia today. It was three pages long, front and back. Along the margins, every point or thought she had, she numbered them up to 10.

I thought she was just super organized or something.

At the end of the letter, though, she wrote:

So, I'm sure you noticed all the numbers in dis letter. You said that one of the ingredients to happiness is 11 positive touches a day. So I've provided you with 10 for today. Now go and look for that 11th positive touch.

And even thought I got that number not necessarily right (family therapist Virginia Satir says, “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.”), the fact that Illia did that means so much to me. She did something for me and she's not even a phone call away.

I'm sorry I'm being selfish and all "Woe is me!" on you. That's the thing. I'm surrounded by people who care about me, but...I don't know. I don't know what I am feeling. I'm still processing feelings. I'm sorry.

(I took a personality test yesterday and it all boiled down to me being the ultimate contradiction. I don't trust people, but I am loyal to those who've gained my trust, even through the point where the relationship is destructive. I value security, but I am very insecure. etc. etc. It also said that it takes me a while to pinpoint my emotions...so...give me time ha.)

All I know is that sadness and loneliness runs rampant these days. But if we can at least make people feel ok in the moment with just a hug, why don't we do just that?

*insert conclusion that ties thoughts all together here.*

Hugs and One Direction will make things better, I feel. 

 

UPDATE—Oct 12

Tender mercies, man. God hears and answers our prayers. He is there to comfort us. I'm silly to have been mopey. Today in Church, I had friends skip their ward to come listen to my lesson in Relief Society. One great friend linked arms with me randomly during Sunday School, and it was as if God was saying, "Hey, you've got good people here who care." And I fell asleep to the sound of good friends singing along to "Muppet Treasure Island." Count your blessings, Eden.